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Armed and Dangerous

I shot a squirrel once.  Twice actually. I mean I shot two squirrels once, not one squirrel twice. I didn’t mean to shoot them. Well, I meant to shoot them, but I didn’t mean to kill them. They wouldn’t stay off my bird-feeders long enough for the birds to grab a quick seed.

I was assured, before shooting, that you can’t kill a squirrel with an old beat up BB gun. When the first one fell, I thought he was playing possum. When the second one went down, I retired the gun and made the sad procession through the snow to rather unceremoniously tossed them in the drifts in woods where I wouldn’t be reminded of my deed. Apparently if I’m armed, I’m dangerous.

I’ve never seen the movie. According to IMDb the story line is something like this: In Armed and Dangerous, a cop who is wrongly sacked for corruption teams up with a useless defense lawyer in their new careers… as security guards.

This sounds pretty much like our story except for the part about being a cop and being a lawyer; unless you think of an English teacher as a cop and a counselor as a lawyer. We were never sacked. We are level 2 Security Guards. And, I did volunteer at the Police Department in Gold Beach on Mondays. There I learned things like what a BOLO is. Quite a few BOLO’s came across our desk.

There’s a lot of BOLO going on down here, too. Living in rather remote areas of southern Texas, countless numbers of concerned citizens have reacted with significant consternation to the fact that we aren’t adequately equipped to protect ourselves. We’ve been given a hoe and a whole lot of advice.

Yesterday, our Company Man returned from his 2 week break back home in Louisiana. He brought a gift. I am now armed and dangerous. He brought us a Guardian Angel. No kidding. I’m not sure what the theological background is of the individual who decided to name the Professional non-lethal self defense tool a Guardian Angel, but there you have it.

It came with a few tips:

Always point  Guardian Angel in a safe direction (I’m guessing this means away from me. I’m hoping directionality will be clear, unlike this strange bottle of furniture polish that I have that seems to have a reverse trigger. Every time I use it, I end up spraying my chin.)

Never point Guardian Angel at anyone or anything unless intending to discharge Guardian Angel (Something tells me that waving it in the air wouldn’t have the same intimidating effect of a shotgun.)

Keep under lock and key (Well now, won’t that just be handy if an uninvited guest shows up on my steps at 3am.)

Do not point or shoot Guardian Angel at the eyes or face of a would be attacker as eye injury may result (Where am I suppose to point it, at his belly button?)

In addition to these helpful tips, my Guardian Angel also came with some very specific Instructions for Use:

  1. If confronted with a threat, take one step back and adopt a stable power position (Taking steps backwards comes naturally to me. I’ve never adopted a stable power position in my entire life)
  2. Ready the Guardian Angel for use, keeping it hidden in your right hand unless you’re left-handed (OK, hidden in my right hand)
  3. Shout Stop! to give the assailant the opportunity to move away (from my right hand where I have my completely invisible weapon of protection)
  4. Create an angle with the thumb and forefinger where you frame the assailant’s head while lining up the thumb horizontally on the assailant’s throat (so maybe it’s a chin thing after all)
  5. Move the Guardian Angel into firing position and pull the trigger to fire the first charge. If there is a second assailant, immediately aim again and fire the second charge. ( a second assailant! and is he going to just pose for a blast from my hidden secret weapon)
  6. If confronted by multiple assailants, save the second charge for later (LATER? REALLY?)
  7. Do not try to take care of the assailant. On the contrary, take advantage of their condition and move out of the danger zone as quickly as possible (all that first aid training for nothing)

Jimbo stopped by today to see if we’d practiced using our Guardian Angel. I think he was kind of disappointed that we hadn’t. We had a lot of traffic, but no volunteers.

Heidi did have an encounter with a scorpion this morning but she hadn’t read the instruction guide yet.

She didn’t know to shout Stop! and aim at his chin.

Back to Armed and Dangerous:

The Cowboy: Slim, I ain’t never seen a handgun that big before.
Dooley: Yeah, it’s a 50 caliber. They used to use it to hunt buffalo with… up close! It’s only legal in two states. And this isn’t one of them.

It is illegal to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel in Texas.

Well, shoot, now where am I going to go to practice. Guess I’ll have to settle for being armed without the dangerous… BOLO!

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