Home » Humor » Flying The Friendly Skies

Flying The Friendly Skies

You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful. ~ Paul Theroux

Clearly this is an old quote since they don’t give you food on flights anymore. Remember when you used to get those funky little TV dinners? They weren’t usually very good but they were free.  Eventually the microwaved dinners were phased out and were replaced by soda and smoked almonds.

That got me hooked on smoked almonds – I already had a diet Coke habit. Before long the almonds were gone and it was a soda and little pretzels. Then it was a soda and… well, just a soda.

So, before flying the friendly skies, I usually toss a few protein bars in my backpack. This habit indicates to me that subconsciously I either fear we’re going to crash-land and be Lost or I can’t fathom going 4 hours without any sustenance. Most likely the latter.

We flew Southwest for the first time in a long time.

Flying Southwest these days is different from my past airline experiences in several ways.

1. You get to check 2 suitcases (under 50 lbs) and a carry-on and a “personal item” (purse, briefcase, violin) for free. Actually, this is just like my past flying experiences, but certainly isn’t standard anymore.

Since neither of us can lift a suitcase over 50 lbs, that was a given. After years of traveling, we’ve learned to travel light. We each had 1 suitcase and a backpack (for 3 1/2 weeks of vacation). This only works if you believe black is the new black and you re-wear everything but your underwear.

I’m not sure why I included the shoes in the picture, but I have to say, it’s lot quicker to get in and out of ones you don’t have to tie. We had no problem with the security screening and for the first time in forever, Heidi wasn’t pulled aside and searched. I’ve always figured they picked her because she was so un-terrorist looking. The fact that we both made it through without a special search may mean our Secret Agent status is beginning to carry some weight.

I have no fear of flying but I always have a niggling bit of apprehension that my luggage will end up in San Diego while I’m landing in Seattle.

It’s never happened to me, but according to Fly.com, it happened 40,000 fewer times in 2011 than in 2010. I’m sure that’s supposed to be comforting, but something about saying 40,000 fewer times just doesn’t set my mind at ease.

If I were a newbie flyer, I would recommend buying ugly luggage. Since we have average looking luggage (although the red is way easier to spot than black or grey), we bought a roll of gold duct tape and wrapped a swath around the bags and then made big gold X’s on both sides.

They were so seriously uglied-up, I felt certain that if they made it to our destination (since we had to switch planes once each way), no one would want to be seen walking off with them. I was right. They came down the shoot and everyone stepped back!

2. The second thing that is different with Southwest is that you don’t have assigned seats. You just stand in line at the gate, based on your number. We printed out our boarding passes as soon as we could (24 hours in advance) and got assigned to a group.

In all but 1 of our flights, we were in the first group. On the long flights we headed straight for the back row. It’s not a popular spot. You’re the last off and your seat doesn’t recline – but it’s blissfully quiet behind you – and we had ample connecting time. After we returned, I learned that it may also be the safest spot on the plane according to a simulated crash test re-played on the Discovery Channel.

No matter where I sit, inevitably, some man will sit by me and use both arm rests. Even on a flight with many open seats, when I’m in the very undesirable back row, this happens. Because we did a lot of flying in 25  years of seminar presentations, we’ve learned that Heidi, who’s kind of claustrophobic and has a LARGE personal space issue, is better off on the aisle.

This means that for someone to sit by me, they have to go all the way to the undesirable back and crawl over both of us to claim the window seat and both arm rests. This invariably happens and we sit on our hips and tilt toward the middle the entire flight. It’s a complete mystery to me.

Blurring the Space Offender out of courtesy and because he said he works for the government and was reading Defense Weekly with great intensity…

3. Southwest is still feeds you. They were kind of insistent on it even. They give you baby (I mean the smallest I’ve ever seen) pretzels and a packages of peanuts and soda and coffee (which promises to give you a LIFT) and refills on all of the aforementioned.

If you have a flight in your future, my advice is to ugly-up your luggage, travel light, head for the back and enjoy the ride. This is a real quote from a pilot on another Southwest flight:

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines!

Advertisements

25 thoughts on “Flying The Friendly Skies

  1. I’m still in shock that Southwest feeds. A meal like pretzels, chippy-dealies and a coffee would cost $12 on Spirit. Friendly skies have become, Non-luggage, Costly, Republican skies.

  2. I can’t believe i haven’t commented on this .. i’ve read half, and get distracted. FUNNY STUFF! OK, coming back later … just saying “hi” … still reading … just flipping around doing lots of stuff! XO MEL

  3. funny lady. . .and the trick is. . .one person takes the window seat. . .one person takes the aisle seat. . .do NOT make eye contact. . .and unless it’s a really full flight. . .you have a great chance of a row to yourself. . .or at least it’s kinda been working for me and hubby!

    Love the ugly luggage tip. . .hafta try that one!

    Thanks for the laughs,
    Janice
    ReadyToGoFullTimeRVing.blogspot.com

    • Janice –
      Great advice.
      I did try the no eye-contact. I’ve even tried glaring but to no avail.
      Maybe we’ll try skipping a seat next time!
      The ugly luggage really does work. 😉

  4. We’ll be flying to Vegas in a few weeks and I just got back from ATL 2 weeks ago. Lots of airtime for me lately. I’ve been in the far back row and have not found it quiet. Glad you did even though you had encroachment by the guy. I do think Southwest does a good job of making the flying experience more light hearted. Fun read. Thanks.

    • Debby –
      We had a pretty fun crew on all of our flights.
      The back row was louder in terms of airplane noise – but no people noise. 😀
      I’ve certainly heard (unwittingly) a whole lot stories about surgeries gone wrong, marriages gone wrong, children gone wrong etc… over the years – not to mention very loud children and sad babies.
      I was happy to just have the motor noise.
      Hope your travels are safe and a grand dual celebration! 😀

  5. You just make everything more fun and an adventure!!! Laughing and smiling and now my cheeks are sore from all the exercise! I am just baffled by the blurry guy climbing over you ladies to get to that window seat. ! I think you are just way too attractive and need to start trying to ugly you and Heidi up before you fly, instead of your luggage! 🙂
    love you and all that you impart to us without giving away anything too hush hush!

    • Debbie –
      Thanks, my friend!
      I can promise, it isn’t our stunning beauty (well, not mine anyway and Heidi was on the aisle). Maybe that’s the problem? They see Heidi and get their hopes up, I don’t know?
      Airplane seats are sure close together these days…

    • Heidi –
      I was trying to find the universal soft drink code word. Of course down here everything is a Coke but I didn’t think non-locals would get that… and I know that no one in the South has a clue what pop is (unless they’re transplants)! 😀

  6. Hooting with laughter, start to finish–and not planning on flying again. I have a feeling that no matter my efforts at disguise (black mask, etc), those humorless security folks would recognize me: “oh no, it’s that Caddo woman–crazy and chatty–just push her on through, so we can clock out on time”. Thanks for a great post, Debbie–what IS it with those guys who think they have special double-arm rest rights?!! God bless you big–I’m flying off to Singapore for church! love, sis Caddo forever

    • Caddo S.G. –
      I’ve come along way in my ‘assertiveness’ (still have a ways to go).
      Several years ago I was assigned the middle seat between 2 strangers. The guy on the isle fell asleep with his elbow in my ribs. I didn’t want to lean over toward the other guy so I sat stiff as a statue for 3 hours in an attempt not to wake the sleeping fellow up.
      That wouldn’t happen today. 😉

  7. My first long flight was to Hawaii in the early 80’s There was even an upper deck in the plane and a seating area to drink, smoke and visit. The suitcase limit is my least favorite change.

    • Judi –
      Particularly for the kind of traveling you do. You certainly can’t pack it all in a carry on. Godspeed on your up coming travels. You’ll be in my prayers.

  8. You’ve got it all wrong. What you need to do is fly Hawaiian Airlines to Hawaii, Australia…wherever they fly. You still get a free meal! (Alas, not free luggage, however, unless you carry it on.)

    And it’s no wonder 40,000 less bags get lost now. It’s because no one wants to check their bags anymore what with the fees. Most people carry on their luggage and as long as it’s above your head or by your feet, it’s not going to get lost!!!

    • Susan –
      When we flew to Europe a couple of years ago, the flight was from NY was either 8 or 10 hours and they did feed us dinner and breakfast. 😀
      The one flight that we didn’t board early this time, we sat by a lady who carried everything on with her – including her dog! They were both sweet!

  9. What!!!! No pictures of your uglied up luggage and the people scattering away from the luggage carousel!!!!!

    • TGAS – I know! What was i thinking? What I wasn’t thinking was that I’d ever write a post about it! It was seriously ugly. I think it kind of embarrassed my cousin when she picked us up at the airport. 😉

  10. Hi Debbie – oops I mean SA
    I think they hire comedians at SW or maybe (failing) comedians (ha-ha)
    At least they have some fun with the same ole – same ole
    God Bless

  11. You do know the Government man was spying on you to make sure you did not reveal any classified information about your job!!

What do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s