Home » Humor » If I Lived on Mars…

If I Lived on Mars…

If I lived on Mars, I’d be missing many amenities like say, oxygen. But I would have a half way decent internet connection which is something I don’t have at all at my current Top Secret Location.

According to FedTech Magazine, the internet is sort of slow on Mars. That’s because they’re comparing it to regular places like Bug Tussle, Oklahoma and Smiley, Texas and What Cheer, Iowa. I haven’t been to Bug Tussle (although we had one yesterday with one ugly specimen of an arachnoid).

Extra spaces provided here for those of you who want to read the rest of this post without having the smiling toothy spider watching you.


Mars is there, waiting to be reached.Β  ~ Buzz Aldrin


So, while I haven’t been to Bug Tussle, I’ve been to Smiley, Texas and What Cheer, Iowa many times.

Maybe what keeps them smiling and cheering is that their internet doesn’t have to go into orbit all the way to the red planet and back to find a signal?

We moved to a new TSL 10 days ago.

I’ve had maybe 5 or 8 times when my internet S.O.S. has bounced off some tower somewhere in OZ and popped on right before my eyes.

But most nights, even with the Wilson booster and 2 internet air cards (AT&T and Verizon), I’m left wave-less. My weak signals have proved to be complete aliens to the world of connectivity in the great Southwest.

The Land Rover, Curiosity, crawling around on Mars, can send the equivalent of an Instagram image in 1 minute and 55 seconds. It takes me 5 days to post a snap shot on Facebook.

In addition to regular internet connectivity, there are a few other pluses in the Mars column:

Mars is a dead planet so it doesn’t have toothy spiders to grin at me or bee-ish bugs that borrow in my head (had another one of those last night).

Mars orbits the sun every 687 days which means it would take me almost 20 years to reach age 65. I’m not certain if that’s actually a plus, but maybe?

It does mean that Thanksgiving would last for two days so people could have a proper Thanksgiving celebration the first day and then rush off to Walmart to begin their frenzied Christmas sales search on the second Thursday and still beat the Black Friday crowd which will soon be in need of a new name.

It’s very cold on Mars so I’m pretty sure my hot flashes would disappear altogether.

The gravity on Mars is about 37% of what we experience on Earth which means I could jump about 3 times higher than I can now. That wouldn’t help me much since I’m not a big jumper but it would have helped Heidi who wouldn’t have had to get the 3 step-ladder out of the truck to kill the toothy spider that was on the wall above the cabinets.

It also means that I could finally quit dieting.

I’ve been on a diet all year, sort of. I messed around with the idea from January to April and lost 10 pounds.

I finally got serious (no fooling) on April 1st. I’ve lost some weight. As a matter of fact, I’ve lost some of it twice since I had to re-lose the 8.8 pounds I gained during my 3 1/2 week vacation.

But on Mars, they say that a 100 pound person would weigh 38 pounds. Even at my current weight, which is 7 pounds from my goal and about 30 pounds over what the insurance charts think I should weigh, I would be WAY underweight for the first time in my life!

That means, with my new internet connectivity, I could order a pizza and eat the whole thing without a bit of guilt, when it arrived in 6 or 7 months!


32 thoughts on “If I Lived on Mars…

  1. Hi. Loved your post. We also now have two wifi cards, Verizon and AT&T and a Wilson Booster. Also, our computer went kaput, so now have a brand new computer so I can finally start blogging again, that is, if Weebly will let me log on!!! ARGH. Was wondering, now that you’ve had a motorhome and a 5th wheel, can you maybe do a post comparing them, or pros and cons. If you’ve done this and I’ve missed it, please forgive. Thanks for the excellent posts.

  2. I guess this means there’ll be a future competition for who is “My Favorite Martian?” Are there Forks on Mars? …are there even roads yet? Just like Internet providers… even Marvin has better service than me… and you! When you do arrive, Pot Pie requests an Illudium Q36 Explosive Space Modulator. He’s interested in taking out a couple of planets as they block his view of Pluto (since he heard one of the children learning about the planets, he thinks Uncle Scrooge banished Mickey’s dog to outer space). Are you sure you haven’t already been to Mars? The spider looks as if he may have come from there… blessings!

    • MT – I think they have sporks, probably.
      The spider may have been on a reconnaissance mission – it didn’t occur to me at the time, but now that you mention it, I can see how it certainly could be true!
      Pot Pie, I love you, but I think maybe we better keep you unarmed and in your hammock!
      You and Michael rock though! πŸ˜€

  3. I love this, I can just hear you telling it.
    I have a request; would you put a ” warning” about ” this post contains explicit pictures of bugs ” proceed with caution. Or have a rating like R for rude bugs. I’d pass out if I saw that thing. And I couldn’t sleep knowing about the head bug. Eeee gads girl. Makes me almost pass out reading it. Seriously !

    I know how about SAB. Secret agent bugs for a rating.

    Thanks Cath.


    • Cath – πŸ˜€
      You’ve come up with a new code for me! I like it!
      I’ll try to remember to incorporate that if I post future ‘explicit’ pictures.
      Heidi read the post and she was creeped out and she’s the one that smashed it!
      She threw him away outside and then retrieved him to take another look to make sure he was a spider, not a bat.
      I tried to tell her he had too many legs for a bat, but you know Heidi. She had to see for herself. πŸ˜‰

  4. Oddly enough, I’ve heard of “Bug Tussle,” but not “Smiley,” and certainly not “What Cheer!” I like those names, though. In retrospect, I may have heard of “Smiley.”

    I hope that is an extreme closeup, because that spider looks like it’s about six inches wide.

    I’ve always been fascinated with Mars. I think I’ll read The Martian Chronicles again.

    • Howdy Jeff!
      Smiley is near Nixon if that helps?
      We got our mail at the tiny little post office there for about 10 months.
      That’s also where the pig heads were on the fence posts.
      They were smiling, too, but it was kind of a creepy way.
      I zoomed in on the spider (with the camera) because Heidi thought it was a bat.
      I was pretty sure that while it was plenty big (although not nearly 6 inches) for a spider, it was was too small to be a bat! πŸ˜€
      I read the Martian Chronicles in 8th grade. Reading them now might be great fun!

  5. HMM. I think i prefer Southern Texas to Mars … even if you get to weigh less there.

    I’m not crazy about the monster sized bugs, nor the bees that drill into your head … that sounds really awful. Everything IS so BIG down there.

    I truly hope your internet gets better. That is so frustrating! XOXOOX MEL

    • Hello Mel!
      We’re not holding out a lot of hope for the internet.
      We have a quadruple SA assignment here so looks like it’ll be off and on – more off than on – until oh probably February or March.
      I saw an armadillo tonight.
      That was fun. Way more fun than the things with wings or too many legs!
      Mars is probably over-reaching.
      I’ll settle for the Oregon coast in 2016!

      • I’m counting the months until Oregon. Mars is too cold and how can we stand waiting for pizza for 7 months. NEVER!!!! Warrior Woman and Warrior Angel (?)

  6. This post tickled me, Debbie! I love the part about the hot flashes. And I say don’t worry about dieting – we’re all slim and sassy in the blogosphere, aren’t we? You virtual vixen, you!



    PS Still want you to get a “Love” button for your posts! πŸ™‚

  7. oh Debbie, I love this post! Clever πŸ™‚

    You may want to wear a hat??? We are down here again, got here Monday last week. I so understand about the Internet connection. Last night I had just finished my blog post (which is not posted yet) and had saved after every few sentences. Or so I thought…

    Or Internet goes in & out so when it went out I thought smuggly that I was smart for saving so often… Well… I was only able to recover half of the post. So tonight I’ll try to recall my brilliant prose and post it πŸ™‚


    • Hey Vicky!
      Welcome back!
      Not being able to get on-line is disappointing.
      BUT writing and losing it all is far worse! I’m so sorry!
      I just hate that when I’ve saved it and then it’s gone anyway.
      I’ll see if I can stay connected long enough to head your way and check in!

  8. Oh Debbie, only you could come up with a post like this! haha! TSLs and internet issues too, is enough to send a person on the next lunar launch, for sure. I like some of the pluses about Mars you mentioned . ..especially the weight thing. πŸ™‚
    lots of love and prayers for you and H.. . until we get to connect again!

    • Hello Debbie –
      Latching onto a moment of connectivity!
      I love your lunar launch! Clever! πŸ˜€
      Did Aub like the spider?
      I’m sure she liked it more than I did!!!

  9. We arrived in TX a week ago and had a job the next day. Our internet sevice is terrible we borrowed a wilson booster to try out it does help us with phone. Good on you losing weight I am sitting here in the dust trying to stop myself opening the fridge to see what I can find. Off today to find a laundry in Kenedy City and buy some Groceries.

    • Hi Linely!
      You’re back! Glad to hear you got an assignment so quickly.:D
      We spent several months in the Kenedy/Karnes City area. Maybe we drained all the the internet out of the atmosphere there?
      Glad to hear you can get to a laundry this time and won’t have to be washing your clothes in a bucket!
      If you aren’t too far south, there’s a wonderful HEB and huge Walmart in Floresville.
      Also, gas is much cheaper (or was – about 30 cents a gallon) if you go north about 10 miles. It was crazy high in Kenedy when we left in Sept.!

  10. Howling with laughter here, Debbie!!! Except for the spider–eww and eeeek, I don’t like him much a’tall! I’m starting to think Mars might be okay–maybe–I’ll get back to you on that. You’re just too funny, Sis–or I’m way tired and delirious (probably all 3!!). God bless y’all BIG–much love from your sis Caddo, S.K. (PS, haven’t started a Koontz book yet–putting more Christmas lights up: blue snowflakes atop the His-biscus flower lights!! Way Fun–wish you were here!! Oh, and I thought of you when I bought a bag of dry green peas to make soup tomorrow!)

    • OK, Caddo, you’ve got me laughing!
      I’m not sure I want to be so closely associated with pea soup, but… I did bring that on myself!
      I apologize for the toothy spider. We seem to have every variety at this new TSL. :p
      I’m thinking it’s never too early for some holiday cheer. Maybe SA H will help me dig around under the RV and pull out some colorful lights!
      Blue snowflakes on top of Hibiscus flower lights? Now that must make everyone smile! πŸ˜€

      • Part of the shabby chic, and my rebellion against fashion/decorating “rules”. For folks who think snowflakes on hibiscus lights are “crazy making”, I just say, “they’re aren’t snowflakes, they’re blue stars in a balmy tropical night…sigh…”

  11. Pretty quiet here in my TSL so if you decide to go to Mars, give me a call. Oh, I forgot, no signal!! Oh well, the grass always looks greener on the other side. However, if you find it truly is greener, send me a sign!! Congrats on weight loss – not an easy thing to do. I admire your dicipline with those wonderful dinner rolls that Heidi creates. If they were here there would be none left by morning!!

    • Jill – The Mars expedition is temporarily on hold but I’m keeping my options open! You’ll be the first to know if SA H and Henry and I decide to have another wild adventure!;)

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