If I Lived on Mars…

If I lived on Mars, I’d be missing many amenities like say, oxygen. But I would have a half way decent internet connection which is something I don’t have at all at my current Top Secret Location.

According to FedTech Magazine, the internet is sort of slow on Mars. That’s because they’re comparing it to regular places like Bug Tussle, Oklahoma and Smiley, Texas and What Cheer, Iowa. I haven’t been to Bug Tussle (although we had one yesterday with one ugly specimen of an arachnoid).

Extra spaces provided here for those of you who want to read the rest of this post without having the smiling toothy spider watching you.

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Mars is there, waiting to be reached.  ~ Buzz Aldrin

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So, while I haven’t been to Bug Tussle, I’ve been to Smiley, Texas and What Cheer, Iowa many times.

Maybe what keeps them smiling and cheering is that their internet doesn’t have to go into orbit all the way to the red planet and back to find a signal?

We moved to a new TSL 10 days ago.

I’ve had maybe 5 or 8 times when my internet S.O.S. has bounced off some tower somewhere in OZ and popped on right before my eyes.

But most nights, even with the Wilson booster and 2 internet air cards (AT&T and Verizon), I’m left wave-less. My weak signals have proved to be complete aliens to the world of connectivity in the great Southwest.

The Land Rover, Curiosity, crawling around on Mars, can send the equivalent of an Instagram image in 1 minute and 55 seconds. It takes me 5 days to post a snap shot on Facebook.

In addition to regular internet connectivity, there are a few other pluses in the Mars column:

Mars is a dead planet so it doesn’t have toothy spiders to grin at me or bee-ish bugs that borrow in my head (had another one of those last night).

Mars orbits the sun every 687 days which means it would take me almost 20 years to reach age 65. I’m not certain if that’s actually a plus, but maybe?

It does mean that Thanksgiving would last for two days so people could have a proper Thanksgiving celebration the first day and then rush off to Walmart to begin their frenzied Christmas sales search on the second Thursday and still beat the Black Friday crowd which will soon be in need of a new name.

It’s very cold on Mars so I’m pretty sure my hot flashes would disappear altogether.

The gravity on Mars is about 37% of what we experience on Earth which means I could jump about 3 times higher than I can now. That wouldn’t help me much since I’m not a big jumper but it would have helped Heidi who wouldn’t have had to get the 3 step-ladder out of the truck to kill the toothy spider that was on the wall above the cabinets.

It also means that I could finally quit dieting.

I’ve been on a diet all year, sort of. I messed around with the idea from January to April and lost 10 pounds.

I finally got serious (no fooling) on April 1st. I’ve lost some weight. As a matter of fact, I’ve lost some of it twice since I had to re-lose the 8.8 pounds I gained during my 3 1/2 week vacation.

But on Mars, they say that a 100 pound person would weigh 38 pounds. Even at my current weight, which is 7 pounds from my goal and about 30 pounds over what the insurance charts think I should weigh, I would be WAY underweight for the first time in my life!

That means, with my new internet connectivity, I could order a pizza and eat the whole thing without a bit of guilt, when it arrived in 6 or 7 months!

 

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

Some folks have written and asked if my vacation was also top-secret since I didn’t say where we went (y’all are quick). I was just about to tell you a few stories from my not top-secret vacation when I got waylaid by the Emmys, an internet crash and a move to a new Top Secret Location.

Stories to come. Here’s a quick outline. The trip was just like Planes, Trains and Automobiles minus John Candy and Steve Martin, and the trains and automobiles. 😀

It was Trucks
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Heidi saw this and said: “Is that supposed to be our truck? Yes. It looks just like it except I left off the back door, the tires aren’t really flat etc…

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Planes

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We flew Southwest where “luggage is free”, there are no assigned seats and they still give you tiny pretzels and peanuts.

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and Cruise Ships

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The squiggles above the ship could be smoke or waves. I couldn’t decide which to draw so you can take your pick.

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Time for an aside here:

I have no idea why I decided to illustrate this post myself. Just so you know, I know that I can’t draw and I’m perfectly fine with that. I have no aspirations so you don’t need to send me kind, encouraging comments about how I’ll get better with practice. Y’all are so sweet but I won’t get better and I won’t practice. This was a one time thing.

Back to the story:

We drove from our TSL in Texas to Tucson,where Henry VIII vacationed for 2 weeks with a good friend and we visited my Sis (Hi Sis, it was grand!). Then we flew from Tucson to San Diego to fly to Seattle to take a boat to Alaska. We sailed away on an all expense paid cruise (which I won by virtue of being related to a very generous cousin – thank you T!) from Seattle to Kodiak. Then, we flew from Seattle to Albuquerque to fly back to Tucson to reunite with Henry (thank you, Gene!) and pick up the pickup to drive back to our TSL. 😀

Just before we left, I sprained my wrist doing something SO top-secret on my TSJ that I can’t even remember what it was which I couldn’t tell you anyway. So when I say we drove, really just Heidi drove. Henry and I sang to keep her awake. When Henry and I sing, it’s very hard to sleep. (If I’m going to be truly forthcoming, Henry just lip-syncs.)

*Henry wasn’t harmed in the making of this trip. He’s in his kennel which took up a full 1/2 of the back seat. Despite appearances, he wasn’t covered in luggage.

At least H says that’s why she drove – all the way to Arizona – and all the way back again. Maybe… It could also be because I’m still on tiny palm tree probation from last fall. It was quite a trip. Non-illustrated stories to follow.

You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there. ~ Yogi Berra